I’ve been photographed many times over the years. I’ve paid for photo shoots, been photographed for magazines, and been photographed simply because I’m loved. It’s clear to me now that it was in that last situation that I felt most at ease in front of the camera. Through all these experiences, I’ve learned a few very important things about being photographed.

Next, I want to talk a little about what to bear in mind when choosing a photographer. You might think it’s easy: you find a photographer whose work you like and book a session. In a way, that’s true. A photographer’s style and aesthetic definitely matter, but will that alone result in photos that feel meaningful to you? Not necessarily.

How does the photographer see me?

How the photographer sees me is a question I really should have focused on years ago. I should have looked more carefully at their photos — not just to see whether they were beautiful or whether the people in them looked good. Back then, though, I was focused very much on the surface. I was clueless, and uncritical of my own choices.

In the end, I would have preferred photos of myself rather than images shaped mainly by what the photographer wanted them to be. During some sessions, I felt more like a model doll being pushed through an obstacle course. I realized this only when I finally got the photos in my hands. They were lovely, of course, but they were missing something essential: me.

I would have liked to know that I had a say in how I appeared in the photos, not just outwardly, but as a whole person. The sense of haste, the pre-determined choreography, and the lack of interest in me as a person made the experience feel superficial and, ultimately, frustrating.

Tinksu is facing the camera. They are under a black veil and their hands are near their face. — I don’t usually smile in photos and that’s okay.

Do you have to look a certain way in photos?

Social media is full of tutorial videos about posing and “looking good” in photos. They’re made by photographers, models, amateur models, and all kinds of influencers. Together, they create the impression that there is one absolutely correct way to appear in photos. But that’s not how it is.

I used to think that way myself. I relied on photographers, asked for tips, practiced in front of the mirror, thought about the “best angles,” and so on. Photo sessions became performances in which my mind was constantly spinning with various, and often conflicting, instructions on how to “look my best.” Once again, the result was photos that were perfectly fine, but once again they were missing something essential.

I would have liked to know that my natural movements: the way I sit, the way I carry myself, the familiar gesture of running my fingers through my hair, my gaze drifting away from the lens, a sigh, or the fact that I can’t be bothered to smile non-stop, are absolutely fine. More than fine, in fact: they are just right. I don’t need to change a thing when I’m being photographed. When I first saw photos of myself exactly as I am, it was a life-changing experience.

Tips for choosing a photographer

Search for photographers and familiarize yourself with their styles.
Make a shortlist of photographers whose style appeals to you.
Take a careful look at their websites.
Check whether the photographer’s portfolio features a variety of people and moods.
Avoid photographers whose work feels repetitive or whose portfolio consists entirely of similar-looking people (often white, young, and slim).
Look for photos of people who resemble you, especially in terms of body type.
Read carefully what the photographer writes on social media, their website, or their blog.
Familiarize yourself with the photographer’s philosophy and values.

Choose a photographer whose values and aesthetic align with your own and, most importantly, someone with whom you would feel safe being photographed. I always recommend arranging a preliminary meeting so you can ask the photographer directly about the things that matter most to you.

So what would I have liked to know about being photographed? I would have liked to know that there are photographers who strive to create a safer space for the person in front of the camera. Photographers whose expectations I am not obliged to meet. I would have liked to know that I have the right to say no — and that this will be respected. Above all, I would have liked to know that there are photographers and photo sessions built on collaboration, discovery, and the freedom to be who you are.

Tinksu